So I called Sean today to let him know that I actually am going to visit him next week (!), and I found out that the day I arrive, there's gonna be a house show at the warehouse where I'm staying--and planning/banner-making/etc. for the black bloc protest the following day!

I knew this trip was going to be significant; ever since I decided to go, I've felt like there's something really important waiting for me in Chicago--and now I think that this is that something. I don't know what will happen but I can't begin to convey just how excited I am. I'll be doing something real, I'll be participating with people for causes (demonstrating against imperialism and its causes and consequences, like war and ethnocentrism) that matter to me.

There will be plenty of pictures (assuming the cops don't pull an RNC and confiscate my camera, that is...), and I--wow, I just really don't know how to describe it. There's a whole lifetime waiting for me there. I'll do my best to keep you updated while I'm there, but I get the feeling I'll be intarwebz-less for about a week (and let's be real, is that really so terrible?).

Oh, and Sean says he misses the desert, so I have to "smuggle" him a cactus somehow. He says it's urgent. Lol.

Things I am giving up for Lent this year:

1. Meat and fish.
2. My virginity.
3. Catholicism.

XD

This is sort of a different post than I usually do, but I was doing an assignment for a Women's & Gender Studies class and in Patricia Hill Collins' essay "Bloodmothers, Othermothers, and Women-Centered Networks," I found a passage that reminded me--forcefully and proudly--of the womyn in my family:

Organized, resilient, women-centered networks of bloodmothers and othermothers are key...Grandmothers, sisters, aunts, or cousins act as othermothers by taking on child-care responsibilities for one another's children...These practices continue in the face of changing social pressures (319).

I know there's nothing particularly dramatic about the passage; it's more about the memories in me that it aroused. I'm really glad that my cousins and I were all raised together as sisters, the older girls taking on more responsibilities as younger kids were born. All of us have survived the worst of family threats together and even though we're not as close as we used to be, we still see a lot of the othermothering issues as fundamental to our relationships. It strikes me as both natural and incredible.

Whenever I talk to people about this cohesiveness within our largely-female family (there are only a few men in this sea of womyn, and they rarely participate as caregivers), I am struck that this is not the norm. Many people are much more competitive with their sisters, and very seldom do they have a major relationship with their cousins.

It's so hard for me to imagine something like this...my experience in our bloodmother/othermother "system" (for lack of a better word) has been so rewarding, and so fundamental to my perception of what a family is and what a family does.

So I guess the point at which I'm getting is that I'm glad that I picked this reading for my homework assignment. I kinda take for granted that every family has the solidarity of mine, so it was really compelling to see it presented as a unique and feminist demonstration of love.

Again, not dramatic and not typical of my regular posts. But that little passage struck a chord within me that I felt was necessary to articulate.

<3

I've been in one of my Irish moods...Irish punk, claddagh medallion, beer, green shirts, Paddy...

...Yeah. Sigh. Anyway, I learned how to say "Kiss my ass" in Gaelic: "Póg mo thóin." I'm going to put it on this scrap of green cotton I found and make it a patch on my hoodie. I figure I should probably be endorsing resistance movements with which I'm actually affiliated (not having any known Native American ancestry, it seems like co-optation to wear a patch about the indigenous rights movement, even if I do agree with the rejection of genocide and hegemony. But that's just me). Although, I did find out that the Lakota Indians donated to the Irish cause during the potato famine, and that a number of Irish-Americans agitated on behalf of indigenous land rights--because they saw commonalities between the Indians' struggles and their own issues of home rule with Britain.

Or maybe I'm just overthinking this. The point is, Ireland.

:D

I've already decided that I'm going at some point before I graduate college, come Hell or high water.
 

Today I took Chris his card and pie. I felt a little weird taking it to his job, and I blushed a lot and apologized for bothering him at work.

He looked me straight in the eyes (like he's only done once before, on the night James walked out on me), and said, "You can 'bother' me anytime you want."

It reminded me of when I told Dana he's been a great friend to me since I've been in Flagstaff, and he said he'd still be a great friend far away.

I don't know...they seem like little things, but to me they are important.

Sometimes I feel like just a tagalong annoyance to the people I love and look up to, but every once in a while, out of the blue, they demonstrate their affection back and--especially with yesterday's news--it is so incredible.

<3

My mom's been in the hospital for two days and didn't tell me until today. She may not be out for another two days.

I'm so scared. My brother didn't answer his phone and of course the only other people I'd call are either out-of-state or without car. And Leigh is gone; I feel alone and I need someone.

If my mom's not around to be strong for our family, I have no idea how to be strong for myself.

It's not so much a relationship as it is...training wheels.

He said he wants me to have a relationship that doesn't end terribly, or ends spectacularly, but that just sort of ends. Whatever it is, though, we seem to be having a really great time and when I think about him, it makes me happy. Not in a starry-eyed, heart's-full-to-bursting sort of way--instead, it's like genuine contentment.

Which--let's be real--is not something I've been able to put on this journal for a while now.

But what happens now? Am I supposed to have expectations for V-Day, are we allowed or comfortable with holding hands? We're already the most well-known secret in the ASWI office, but no one says a word.

Le sigh. But like I said, I'm content.

Copwatch benefit show last night...it was pretty awesome. Mosh-pits against tyranny? Yes please. PS did you know that Blackfire is TTLY AWESOME AND MADE OF WIN?!!?!?

:D

And I didn't even get molested. It was very exciting. Except I only got four-ish hours of sleep before coming in to work, and I may have broken my finger. So who knows. But the mosh pit was excellent and even though I'm sore all over, it was worth it for such a great show--and for such a great cause.

Today is just work and homework (so much homework...wtf), and I might have to buy my train ticket for Chicago.

Tonight I might be going to see NOFX in Phoenix, but I'm still not sure on that one. But here's hoping--how awesome would that be?!?

So: three movies, a broken glass, and countless beers later, the punk kids are gone and presumably on their way to Phoenix again. Shitbag, Choppy and Zara--and Pichino the dog, of course--were some of the coolest and most respectful houseguests I've had (granted, I haven't had many, but they set a high standard). My roommates were understandably worried about theft, but...nothing. They were totally cool.

I'm really gonna miss Pichino; he snuggled up to me while we all watched The Dark Knight. Shitbag also was scooting closer to me throughout the movie, so I played with that a little. It was a really good night.

After all the beers I had, though, I'm surprised I'm not at all hungover. I have yet to be hungover. God bless you, Flagstaff altitude, for strengthening my tolerance!

Following their departure, I went to the bookstore and got most of what I need for the coming semester (except my two hundred fucking dollar French book, which I may not even end up getting). I also got a message from Dananas that there's a get-together at his place tonight before he moves to Pennsylvania.

D:

So I'm taking the pie I made for him last night, and a nice little card, over to his house to say goodbye. I'm not sure how long I'll be staying, though, because it's also James's house. But Dana invited me and I won't disappoint him (and waste a pie) just because James is a giant douche.

So any postings tomorrow will probably be pretty emotastic.

Finally, I ran into my cousins and my nephew in the bookstore plaza...Jay-Jay showed me his lollipop and he was so stoked about it that now I kinda want one, lol.

What a fucking day. Wait, what am I talking about? What a fucking week!

UPDATE: Free Store at TAALA HOOGHAN, Tomorrow, 10-2!

The past two days have been so awesome...they were so incredible, in fact, that I can only describe them in alphabet form.

Anarchists...beach ball...camera party...dumpster-diving...eating those bananas...freezing river...game night...hiking Sabino Canyon...ink and paint and boycotted phone books...jumping in..."Kitchen...chicken?"...looking at one for the very first time...meeting more friends...nodding off in the back seat...one fish for every day of the week...Pink, the Pink Apatasaur...quietly searching the secret passages...remembering that there is such thing as special...Sean's brand new zine...Taco Shop...underwear and less...vanquishing irrational fears...walking in the rain...x-ray therapy in the playground...yelling with joy along with the whole theater...Zapped!

We invented a game, by the way...it's ridiculous. We all hit a beach ball as hard as we could around someone's living room. The way to win is to break something. Then everybody goes to Taco Shop. Advanced play involves everybody bringing something breakable; when a player's object is broken, they're out. Then at the end, everybody goes to Taco Shop.

One of the best parts about this whole little trip is that when I first got to town, the people I was staying with were total strangers. Today when I left, we were friends. There is so much down there that made me happy.

I am solidifying plans for my trip to Chicago in March...it'll be a lot like this trip except a thousand times better (and considering the caliber of this trip, you can imagine my excitement!).

A good summary of this is something I saw on a marquee on my way back to Flag: "Don't worry about tomorrow, you did that yesterday."

Some contenders:
Ardent...Brave...Candid...Dorky...Feminist...Grim...Loyal...Merciful...Predictable...Romantic...Whore.

Past? Tense. Present? Continuous. Future...Perfect?

I refuse to give in to cynicism. I'm still pretty rattled by that unnecessary and frankly inappropriate message from Douche-asaurus, but it's numbing now. If I hear anything else, I'll be taking some more direct action. I am so predictable and dumb as fuck, I'm just a lamb chasing lions.

My resolution this year is to not fall in love. To not get into a relationship. To not let my heart out on its own because it's too stupid and naive to really be safe.

And you can bet your ass I'm not staying a virgin.

I'm gonna end up like Grace Brown. You're gonna be fishing my body out of Lake Mary.

I dare you to think I'm kidding.

...Nothing numbs the "excitement" of another family holiday like delicious Hollywood pabulum (really well-written, expertly-performed pabulum, but whatever).

Who sends a Merry Xmas greeting to someone they asked not to contact them? Come on, dipshit--act your age, not your dick size.

Fuck you, James. I hope you get cirrosis from your goddamned eggnog.